Processing Pain
Nothing Good About Grieving Stage of Anger and Resentment.
This post is the fourth post in my Nothing Good About Grief Series
Refer to my first post in the series, where I introduce the subject. And then read the second, where I navigate psychological shock and grief. The third post is about the stage of suffering and grief.
And this is the fourth and final post about the grieving stage of anger and resentment.
It is important to remember that you may not experience any of the stages that I point out across the series. You may go through one of two or none of them. Yet, I have included these, an excerpt from my book, as a guide only. You may recognise in yourself some of these feelings. And in recognising them, finding help and healing. Let’s look now at anger and resentment.
Navigating Anger and Resentment
Anger and resentment are natural reactions; however, if you allow them to hang around, they can get out of your control.
Don’t rest in anger, don’t stay there and don’t get used to it, or more suffering will ensue. The problem is when one stays in anger and resentment; the result is a bitter life.
I have met too many people who live bitter lives. And the one thing they hold in common is that when they relate what happened to them they tell it like it happened yesterday. They’re anger is very fresh yet the incident occurred many years before.
Bitter people hold on to their bitter feelings and resentment. It churns within them, fuelling them to burn for yet another day. Anger and resentment become so much part of them that they can’t see their destructive nature.
When one lives in an angry attitude, it will lead to resentment. Anger and resentment take hold when one gives over their power to such emotions and attitudes.
When you do that, you become powerless and you are not in control of your emotions as you think you are.
You may feel very much in control and powerful; but rather, you are a slave to those emotions which will dominate your life.
Therefore, it’s essential to be aware of destructive emotions and nip them in the bud. If you don’t get a hold of them early, they can eat you from the inside out.
Noreen's Story
Noreen was a lovely lady who was one of my parishioners many years ago. Noreen struggled with anger and resentment when her husband fell ill and died. I offered to share her story so that others may be encouraged in their times of difficulty and Noreen agreed. She pointed out that her natural reaction was to withdraw into anger due to her grief and suffering. Then one day, she decided to allow God to heal her one day…………….
Bill had Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. These conditions creep up on a person gradually until the time comes when things become challenging, and then life dramatically changes. Sadly, this change does not only happen for the person but for the whole family.
Bill, my husband, was not just suffering from Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s but also had a stroke. These maladies left him a little incapacitated, and we thought he was improving until he developed bronchitis. After that, it was downhill for the next four years. My faith in Jesus held me, but Bill did not believe in a God or attend church with me.
In nursing Bill, I was so exhausted physically and emotionally. Family and friends were supportive, but I had left Bill resting this morning while I slipped to the village shops.
While I was at the shops, a friend stopped to ask how Bill was, and that was when I became so angry I flipped and stormed off. I felt resentment well up within me; why couldn’t someone ask how I was?
I walked down the road feeling very low and angry when I felt someone take my arm and say, “I will walk with you”. When I turned, no one was there, but oh! The incredible feeling I felt as I did my shopping and walked home.
The realisation of what had happened hit me. I had become so low before I allowed God to come fully into my life.
I realised that Jesus wanted to take my anger and resentment upon himself, carrying my load for me. I finally accepted that I needed Him and supported me as times became so much more difficult.
There was a time when I took Bill out in the car. He managed to walk to the shops but could not return to the car. Then a woman came to offer her help. Once we got him into the car, I turned to thank her, but she was nowhere in sight. Was she an angel of mercy?
On another occasion, I was in town with my husband, who was by then in a wheelchair. I felt so ill I could barely push him along, and he was a sizeable man. The next thing I knew, I was driving home, Bill sitting beside me- how did that happen?
During Bill’s illness, I was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer worsened our situation, but I had the wonderful feeling of the love and prayers being said for us. Each day I was determined to get better at looking after Bill. I just knew that God would see me through any situation.
But I also knew the future was bleak. I accepted that the time would come that caused much suffering for me and my family.
Because Bill’s had dementia, he would become very distressed at times. It was very upsetting for me as I did not know how to reach him; he only wanted his Mum, not me. With each day that passed, Bill was becoming even more upset and disoriented, and no matter how I tried, I could not comfort him.
Then one Tuesday afternoon, after lunch, Bill sat in his lounge chair for a rest. I put off the thoughts of the effort it would take to get him up out of that chair. He looked comfortable, so I left him there and went to do the washing up.
Halfway through the washing up, I thought I heard someone come in and go into the lounge. I went to investigate and only got as far as the doorway. There was such a feeling of quietness — I hardly dared to look at Bill, but he looked so relaxed and smiling. I knew I wasn’t a part of whatever was happening to him, so I returned to my kitchen, but not to the washing up. I just stood there in awe.
Then, to my amazement, Bill came to the kitchen and asked if I needed help. I couldn’t believe it. He got out of his chair, unaided, and walked without his stick. I did not know what to think, but he was so much calmer and oh-so different from then on.
A few weeks passed, and Bill went to bed very anxious. When I asked if anything worried him, he said, “Oh no! I prayed about it, and God is looking after me.”
It was then I realised just what had happened that Tuesday lunchtime. It was clear to me that he decided to accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour. Bill had reached out and asked God for the help that he knew I could not give. Such an incredible miracle!
A few months later, Bill collapsed and spent the last three weeks of his life in hospital. The week before he died, he had another stroke, which left him partially paralysed and unable to speak clearly. We spent together what turned out to be the last day of his life. It was just the two of us, and peace enveloped us with the winter sun shining into his room. Later that evening, Bill fell asleep, and I went home for a well-earned rest.
Then in the early hours of the morning, he died. I was not there and felt a lot of guilt. But in time, I accepted that Bill had not been alone; his God was looking after him, he went home with Jesus.
There have been so many times since that anger and grief would have overwhelmed me. But it didn’t because because of God’s love and support.
Before Bills illness, I would argue with God, tried to fight with God, and shouted that I didn’t want to know Him. But no matter what I did, God wasn’t going away, which is just as well because without God’s love, where would I be?
Since my husband died, God has been with me through it all. God saw me through my cancer treatment, helped me look after Bill, and comforted me in losing him.
When I recovered from cancer, I underwent a hip replacement and was diagnosed with colitis. These things finally seemed under control when I suffered a mini-stroke. Now that did make me angry!
But I realised that God often uses our suffering so that I, too, may be used to help the suffering of others.
While I was in the hospital with cancer, a young lady in my ward became quite distressed. I went to her, hoping I wasn’t intruding, but she said, “No, I need you”. Then she shared all her concerns and fears about herself, her husband and her children. I just prayed for her, and she was comforted. So, where do I go from here? Who knows?
Since my stroke, I am not angry or resentful anymore. The pain I had while waiting for another hip replacement has miraculously disappeared, and I am not even trying to question it. “
If this article resonates with you and you are in need of support. Please feel free to email me. It may be 24 hours before I can reply- thank you.
Thank you for reading to the end. For more articles, visit, Your Wellness Matters. www.paularoseparish.com. We collect Donations for Welsh Women’s Aid -Thrive the Pt Talbot division. If you wish to find out more & donate, click HERE.
I have worked internationally with over 40 years of experience, having a Bachelor of Pastoral Counselling and Theology and a Master of Arts in Counselling & Professional Development. BACP Life Coaching Certificate. I currently work as a Christian educator, blogger, author, and grandmother living with my two dogs in Wales, UK.
You’ll find my book’s on Amazon.com, and If you wish to connect with me, please do so on paularoseparish@gmail.com
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📚Nothing Good about Grief: Path to Recovery with Psalm 23 after COVID-19 & other losses.
📚Psalm 23 Unwrapped: Hope in Difficult Times.
